I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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