i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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