Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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