well I can't set my house on fire every night
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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