so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
