someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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