Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
