his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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