WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
