woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
