Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
