It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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