fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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