but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
