You're a womanizer and a bitch.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
