One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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