Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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