i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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