No awkward lesbian experiences without me
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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