I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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