My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
