Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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