Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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