Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
