I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Michael Bay diarrhea
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize