i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
