dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
did i just pee glitter
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
