How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
