My room smells like vodka and shame
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
