i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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