3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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