I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
