Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
