I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
