So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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