Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
