a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I have tasted many bathrooms
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
