my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
