i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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