God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
How's work?
Spinning.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
