I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize