hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
