The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
