She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
