every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
