The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
