before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
