He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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