Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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