Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
