so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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