Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
