i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize