she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
