He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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