I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
