I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize