dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
