I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize