He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
