Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
