i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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