my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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