unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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