Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
